Today, October 3, 2012

Today:  The power of politeness

In order to save a few dollars, or at least to make more dollars go into our wallet and not into the wallet of corporate tycoons, we’ve decided to cancel cable at our house.

The plus of this plan is that I get to watch the hundreds of videos we have in our possession.  This is my favorite thing to do when I’m sitting down to work on ‘Correspondence Club;’ my social experiment where I send cards and notes (real, in your hand letters) to a list of friends who have agreed.  Nothing pleases me more to throw in a DVD into the player and have some great (or not so great) cinema playing while I work.

My sweetie and I are movie hounds and have a variety of genres and styles of films in our collection.  So the good news is, I have a lot to pick from.  The bad news is, eventually, the video ends.  But DVDs have a glorious feature of bonuses; those bits of extras, deleted scenes, interviews and such.

My favorites are the two disc sets because there is a plethora of bonus features to explore.  One of the pieces that I was into this week was “The Aviator;” the epic bio-pic starring Leonardo DiCaprio about Howard Hughes.

Stay with me, reader, I have a point, I swear…

In the extras of this particular movie are several interviews and panel discussions with Leonardo DiCaprio and Martin Scorsese. In one of these, there was a doctor present who had been a consultant regarding the portrayal of OCD symptoms.  This doctor was asked a question by the proctor of the panel and as the doctor responded, he referred to the star and the director as ‘Leo’ and ‘Marty’ respectively.  Now, I’m sure throughout the film process, both gentlemen had assured the doctor he could refer to them in a more familiar manner.  However, there was something in the way that he said it that made me feel, watching it, that a line had been crossed.  A line of impropriety.  I can’t say what made me have that impression because Mr. DiCaprio was sitting right next to him and he didn’t give any indication that he was offended.  Except that when he did speak next he referred to his director as ‘Mr. Scorsese.’  That was a clue that I wasn’t totally off-base.

I have to admit that the feeling struck me and stuck with me all day.  I really spent some time contemplating whether or not I was the only one who wanted to be cordial in addressing others.

And then as I was clicking around the net yesterday, I found a posting on www.dictionary.com that talked about the origin of the abbreviation ‘Mrs.’  Nothing totally shocking or surprising there.  What was more interesting were the comments posted by readers of the blog and their stance on whether or not ‘Mrs’ should be used at all.  Some were offended by the connotation; others were not.

Read it here, if you want.

This is where I get on my soapbox, so buckle your seat belt, reader!

I really feel like that we have lost something vital in our culture and society and it is illustrated in our unwillingness to use common politeness.

What’s wrong with using ‘Mr’ and ‘Mrs’ (or ‘Miss’ where appropriate)?  What’s wrong with opening the door, for a man or a woman?  What’s wrong with saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, even when someone doesn’t deserve it?  What’s wrong with greeting a person who passes you on the street with a ‘hello’ and a smile?

One of the reasons I started the ‘Correspondence Club’ project was to bring myself back to a place where all of those little niceties lived, married and made nice little families.  A place where women wore gloves and were never seen outside with out a hat on.  A place where men opened the door for a lady and gave her his coat when they walked.  And people walked.  They would consider it the height of lazy to drive when a quick walk would get you there.

I address my envelopes to ‘Mr’, ‘Mrs’ or ‘Miss’ and I don’t apologize for it.  I think that showing that small bit of respect is key to ensuring my friends the concept that I find them valuable.  That little thing is so easy for me, I don’t understand why we don’t all make an effort to speak to each other in a respectful manner. And I don’t just mean using polite words and not putting each other down; to me, it goes without saying that we should do that as well.

When I lived in the southern part of the United States, it was understood that all ladies would be addressed with ‘ma’am’ and all gentlemen with ‘sir.’ Nothing would offend an older person faster than not using these polite monikers.  They didn’t have to be considerably older than me either; any person in a position of ‘elder’, whether by nature of age or station, was expected to be referred to in this manner.

Then I moved to Michigan, and I still found myself referring to people with ‘sir’ and ‘ma’am.’  Their reaction surprised me.  Nothing seemed to offend them faster than using these polite monikers.  I got lots of ‘Don’t call me ‘sir’, I work for a living’ and ‘Ma’am is my mother/grandmother.’  Of course, I adjusted as quickly as I could, but discovered that I missed being able to address folks with a small amount of extra respect.  I, frankly, mourned the fact that it seemed to be out-of-fashion to be courteous.

As a child, my parents instilled in me a rule: refer to your elders as ‘Mr’ or Miss.’ No exceptions.  I’m sure it had a lot to do with the fact that my dad was a career Navy man and that my mother was raised by her grandmother, but I certainly don’t think they were wrong.  

I can recall a specific instance that still cracks me up.  My mother had a boss who was very kind to our little family.  When I met him, my mother introduced me and told me to shake his hand and introduce myself; which I did, of course.  I vaguely remember that he asked me a question or something, to which I responded with my answer and ‘Mr. ---‘ (I don’t remember his last name.)  He immediately told me to call him by his first name, which shocked me to speechlessness.  I couldn’t do that!  My mother was standing right there!  I told the gentleman I wanted to call him ‘Mr. ---.’  He continued to insist, and my only concession to referring to him by his first name, was to continue to use ‘Mr.”  So from that point on, he was ‘Mr. Bill.’  True story.

I may be old-fashioned and ‘out of touch’, but I’ve raised my kids to refer to elders with a ‘Mr’ or ‘Miss’ and their first name, if appropriate.  Our house may sound like the set of ‘Gone With The Wind,’ but I hope that my children understand that people deserve a simple amount of respect.  And that respect comes at no real effort on our part.

As I sit down with my pile of note cards and envelopes and ponder what I will write in my little missives, I put on an old black-and-white movie for inspiration and find a certain amount of pride in writing ‘Mrs….’ on the front.  And I hope that my friends who receive it will feel the little bit of extra love and respect … on the front.

I still have room on my list if you want one too…